Reparing the Relationships That Matter Most…
Parent kid relationships. Intimate Partner to Intimate Partner relationships. Spouse to spouse. Grandparent to grandchild/child relationships. Best friend to best friend relationships. You know them, they are the relationships that matter most to us. The ones we long to be nurturing, warm, loving, and healthy.
These are also the relationships that when they are not healthy, devastate us the most.
Sometimes we can spend time focusing on when we messed up in relationships. Those moments where we lost our temper, said things we didn’t mean, didn’t show up when we should have, didn’t follow through when we said we would.
Or we can get lost in focusing on all the hurt the other person in the relationship has done to us.
However - The most impactful and important moments in relationships are not when we mess up, it’s when WE actually seek to REUNITE AND REPAIR.
There are two areas that when focused on and emphasized, can have the most memorable influence on relationships and move the relationship towards health.
The FIRST, is capitalizing on reunions.
Those moments when you first meet for the day, or see each other again after a long time apart. Capitalize on those moments as moments where you are sincerely glad to see the other person. Show care, joy, and excitement to see them. Send the message with your face, your body language, and with your words that you are so glad to see them. Hug them, touch their face, look into their eyes and reconnect after being apart.
The SECOND, is making things right when you have messed up.
This is the hardest one, but the most necessary one. It’s owning up to what you did wrong, taking responsibility, apologizing, and validating what they experienced from you is true. Be careful not to get lost in explaining, minimizing, or defending yourself. Just apologize.
Even when you didn’t mean to hurt the person(s) you love, you did. Your actions and words affected them. And for that, you can be sorry. When seeking to make it right, you are offering an invitation back into connection.
It’s at that moment that the other person has a choice to join you or not. It’s vulnerable, it can even be messy, but the invitation is necessary.
They may choose not to repair, they may criticize you and use your confession against you. That is their choice, and that is their work to do. You are responsible for you, and you are responsible for the nudge to seek repair.
You may be saying, what if I’ve been wronged? How do I move towards repair when they hurt me?
Leave off any blaming, name calling, and bringing up historical patterns of their wrongs, and just stick to the facts of the recent hurt that is yours to own. They may not accept YOUR invitation for repair, but again, you are just responsible for offering it. Everyone has a choice of when and if they accept that invitation into reconciliation.
*If you feel like your relationships could use some coaching in any of these areas, call us and let one of our counselors support you in your journey to healthier relationships. We offer parent / child relationship counseling, teen / parent relationship counseling, partner / spouse relationship counseling, adult children and parent or even sibling relationship counseling. Email us at: asccscheduling@gmail.com.
Side note: I recommend Harriet Lerner’s book Why won't you apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts as a literary resource for anyone seeking to improve in this area of their life.
Written by: Alice Stricklin, LMFT
