How to Respond When You’re Emotionally Triggered
This weekend my daughter didn't get a part she'd hoped for in a play. Her little finger scrolled down the list of parts and she couldn't find her name in the part that she hoped. (My heart dropping each second for her.) Then came the huge crocodile tears. She's 9, and this was probably the first thing that was a true “disappointment” in her life.
Life is full of disappointments, right? It’s better to learn to “handle” them early, right?
Helping my children navigate disappointments and heartbreak is something I expected as a mom. What I DIDN’T expect was the pain from past disappointments, heartbreak, and rejections it triggered in ME.
I started tearing up as my daughter was crying, and after I hugged her for a long time, I fled to the bathroom. (While my husband, who was promising her a future as a world class go-cart racer, took over to try and cheer her up:)
This was not about me, and I didn't want it to be about me, so why was I flooded with emotions?
Clearly I had some past rejections that weren't fully healed and they all came rushing in without notice. And what was sure... I wasn't going to figure this out in the bathroom at that moment.
That is the strange thing about "triggers." You never know when they are going to show up.
But, I have vowed as a mom to never make something about me that isn't about me. If it's about my kids, then it is about them. So, I pulled myself together and emerged from the bathroom. I hugged my daughter again and let her feel her sad feelings.
My son asked me if I had been crying. I said, "Yes." He asked why, and I replied, "Because life is just hard sometimes. But I'll be ok."
(Note: While I do think it's ok for kids to see parents feel their feelings, I do think that we have to be discerning in that. And in this case, me making this about my feelings wasn't helpful.)
My son, then, got out a disco ball and some of his sister's favorite music. She started laughing her silly laugh. Then my husband put on her favorite show and we ate chocolate together. We let her cry and talk it out.
In the middle of her sadness I was able to be present and put my flood of emotions on the side, because I promised myself I'd pay a visit to the little girl in me today.
I kept that promise to myself.
Today, I told the little girl in me, who was crying in the bathroom, that her feelings were valid way back then. That it's ok to be sad and feel disappointed when things you hoped for don't work out. That she is smart, kind, loved, good, known, and wanted.
My parents were amazing at helping us to feel our feelings when I was growing up. But sometimes even in the most loving of families, we don't always end up processing the everyday disappointments we don't want to worry our parents with as kids.
Or maybe back then we just didn't have the energy or capacity to feel our feelings in the present moment. Maybe it wasn’t “convenient” to cry or it was embarrassing. Or if we were little enough, we may have not even had words yet.
If you find yourself emotionally triggered in a moment that is not about you, I'd offer this to you:
Take a pause to regroup and find a way to get to the present moment with the person who it is really about.
Then, make an appointment with yourself to revisit what you were feeling.
If it feels way too big to process alone, find a trusted friend or counselor to help you process the feelings that came up.
It's never too late to sit with the little girl or little boy inside of you and give empathy and compassion to them. Tell them how loved and wanted they really are.
Written By: Rachelle Spalin
Side Note:
As I was trying to find some help with processing my own emotions this morning, I came across this excerpt from www.elephantjournal.com/?p=3664133 by Janis Isaman. I hope her words are as helpful to you as they were to me.
"We are not alone in our feelings. Our bodies and hearts are in pain, and our feelings of rejection, sadness, and grief are real and legitimate.
We can feel the fire in our chest, feel the pit in our stomach, feel the grief bloom within. We can hold these in our body, express them from our soul and feel ourselves soften into the experience of pain.
We can share our pain with friends who can hear it and have an emotional outlet to feel safe and process. We can talk about our pain in terms of our feelings and not what someone did to cause them. We can develop the skill set to know how to process our feelings.
We can feel what we weren’t allowed to feel as children.
We can normalize grief for the loss of small things, invisible things, ghosting, and abandonment.
We can feel it, name it, and own it."