It’s ok to be Frozen
Here I go again. A new environment, finding a home, getting my children settled into new schools, organizing the house, starting private practice, so on and so on. I begin to notice my focus on others: my clients need me to start back up, there are counseling needs all around me, my kids need help feeling connected and grounded, my home needs attention. In the background I am wondering; when will I have time to start my practice again? How can I possibly be there for others when I’m trying to be there for my family during this transition? What is the clientele in this area and their specific needs? Can I even do this? My self doubt kicks in, maybe I should just stop trying to practice therapy and get a different job, can I even do this anymore, and the internal dialogue goes on and on.
These were my internal experiences the first three times of relocating and starting a private practice in completely different locations from any connections I had. This fourth time, I have different questions. And I’m realizing they are more complex. The complexity I’m learning, comes with being in a foreign country, and having my oldest children still in America. Now my questions have been, can I even have a private practice here? What would that even look like? What are laws here? What about the time difference to see clients back home? On the surface they seem like different questions, and the complexity of this move is definitely different, but the underlying theme and pattern of the questions are similar. Insecurity, self doubt, I don’t have what I need to do this. What also is similar is that I stay looped in the endless questions which keep me frozen. Frozen in grief. Frozen in fear. Frozen in doubt. I’m triple iced frozen. Elsa has done a number on me. I keep telling myself I can’t do it again. I’m not ready. Just quit.
I hate being frozen. What’s even crazy is that I’ve done this transition thing multiple times! I know what has to be done! Yet here I am…..frozen. Have you ever been there? Either in a work transition, life transition, or even a time of starting over? Have you ever felt frozen in the insecurities? Here are a few things I’ve learned in this transition that maybe can speak to you.
Is being frozen, cold as hell? Yes. Does it suck? Yes. AND, being frozen is a blessing. Thank you Elsa! I have learned that being frozen provides me a time to listen and process. A dear friend and colleague provided me great insight this go around that listening is probably what I needed to do. Not listening to the lies but truly listening to the heart. Being frozen has allowed me to plan, prepare, and proceed into my new environment. To create balance between family and work, between action and detachment, between giving and receiving, between feelings of strength and powerlessness. To get unfrozen, I had to reach for support and acknowledge the grief of leaving behind who and what once was. I had to push myself to be uncomfortable but at the same time build up within me a resiliency that only I can achieve through testing and trying each day. Sometimes, you just have to freeze and listen to your heart, taking care of yourself by holding ALL the truths together (this is hard, and I can ask for help. I’m scared, and I have what I need to move forward). No matter the personal obstacle, listening is key. Elsa is still spraying me with ice, but I’m Ok with it. I take those opportunities now to listen. So, bring it on Elsa….I want to build a snowman.
Dr. Sheila Marczak
