When tragedy hits close to home
When tragedy hits close to home we come face to face with our own powerlessness. That in and of itself is terrifying. We quickly respond out of our own sense of powerlessness into our individual and sometimes cultural ways of coping.
For some that looks like blaming, for others it looks like jumping in and helping where you can, for others it’s to quickly look for distractions away from the tragedy, and even for some it may look like obsessing over the tragedy and sitting in the devastation of it all.
There are countless ways we all try to cope. Tragedy may trigger us into our addiction, or avoidance strategies, it may even remind us of our own historical incidents of tragedy. I have been keenly aware of my own response to tragedy and the powerlessness to stop it. My urge to jump in and help, do something, I need action to feel like I am effecting some form of change…..when really it is my own need to control something in an overwhelmingly uncontrollable and powerless situation.
Some may ask, “what are we suppose to do then, just sit and watch people suffer?”
My answer to that is ‘what we do is first to notice what comes up in ourselves’. Be present and mindful to our urges. Be curious about the urge. Is it actually something that will be useful or helpful right now or is my urge more to assuage my own sense of helplessness and powerlessness? Because what people who are suffering and have experienced tragedy DON’T need, is to take care of me and my needs. And if I am acting out of my own needs, someone usually gets hurt, disappointed or even effected in a way that I never would want them to be effected.
Tragedy brings us face to face with our own powerlessness. It brings us face to face with deep sorrow and grief. Brene Brown’s research has shown us that the number one emotion that people are afraid of and work hard to avoid is grief. We are scared of it. I suppose it is the gut wrenching, deep and physical sadness of grief that terrifies us. The uncontrollable waves of emotion and sense of helplessness that grief brings. It could be why we have such a hard time even tolerating it in others. So much so that we send messages that they should be better now, or to be strong in the face of the sorrow and grief.
Really the messages are our own inability to sit with the gravity of deep sorrow.
We need them to feel better because the deep sorrow in someone brings us face to face with the deep sorrow within ourselves. So we say things like ‘there is a purpose for this’, or ‘God’s will be done’ or ‘they are in a better place’. We so desperately want to offer something helpful that will help the other person feel better. I’m guilty of doing this very thing.
When if we could all just pause and be with the deep sorrow. Lean into the powerlessness. Recognize the truth that we really are powerless in the face of tragedy.
Sometimes we can do all the right things and tragedy still happens. Sometimes we can do it just perfectly and tragedy still strikes. Sometimes I can say all the right things and someone is still in their deep sorrow. When we can be present with our own helplessness, our own sense of powerlessness then we can sit with someone in theirs.
So what can you do in the aftermath of tragedy?
First be still with your own powerlessness in it. Take steps to grieve the losses. That might look like doing a prayer walk, journaling about the feelings you have, drawing pictures of the loss or powerlessness, talk about it with a trusted friend. Once you can be present with your own emotions around it and give space to them, then you can be curious about what is for you to do.
Be curious about your urges to respond (or the absence of the urge to respond). Tend to this part of you that is so scared of the powerlessness of our humanity. Offer this part of you comfort and truth, which is that we truly are powerless.
As I write this I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer that sits on my desk “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference”.
What is this simple prayer is inviting us too? Surrender and acceptance to what we cannot change, and discernment into what we can.
-Alice Stricklin, LMFT
